My Relationship to Food and Control

So my church is doing a virtual Bible study for women about healthy living and putting our relationship with God first. And of course, I thought I don't really have any food hangups so this isn't the place for me... but then God began to speak to me about my relationship to food. It has been a tearful reality to look fully upon. It is hard to explain my relationship with food, but I will try.

When I was a girl, food was a thing that was used to control me. I was often sent to school without breakfast. Sometimes it was because there wasn't any breakfast to be had and other times it was because I had not completed my morning chores quickly enough.

I also recall many times when I went to bed with a hungry belly because I had forgotten to do some basic requirement in the day or had disrespected my elders. I will admit I was a bit stubborn growing up. From about age 9 until age 11 I often ate only at school because I was given a free lunch.

I would get to school on Monday having not eaten since the Friday lunch meal because I had done some horrendous thing that had to be punished, such as, forgetting to clean the drain out of the sink after doing the dishes or washing the whites in hot water instead of cold.

When I was eleven I decided that I didn't need to eat. For me it was about taking control of my life and my body. I needed to take away the punishment that stung so badly. In December of my eleventh year I just stopped eating.

I did not have anorexia. Anorexia is a mental disorder that makes the person think they are overweight when they aren't. I have never felt that I was overweight as a child or teen. I had serious body issues, but my weight was not one of them.

So I spent my teens eating once or twice a week. Even into my twenties I would often eat only once a day. I never binged or purged despite some of my classmates encouragement to do so. I did take over-the -counter appetite suppressants from time to time.

When I got married I began to eat a bit more often, but I would often punish myself, by withholding food if I felt that I'd angered or disappointed my husband. I didn't see this pattern of behavior at the time, it was subconscious on my part.

I had a lot of emotional issues and in my mid thirties I went to a therapist for help. Using the giftings of this woman God began to heal many long lasting issues that I had carried into my adult life.

I stopped following many of the destructive patterns that I had been following, including my bad eating habits, in my mid thirties. During this time I was diagnosed with Irritable Bowl Syndrome. I was on medication for a short time that had helped. I am no longer in need of the medication.

However, since I spent so many years starving myself, my thyroid isn't really sure about how to use the fat. So now I am overweight. Also I have a serious obsession with chocolate. The need for it will come on suddenly and I will consume too much of it.

I began working on my unhealthy weight in January of 2015. I was 198lbs at 5'2”. I am now down to 156lbs. And have been fluctuating at around 155 to 160 for six months now. I have another 21lbs to go before I hit my goal weight.

It is a struggle for me to eat a healthy diet. I often wait until I am very hungry to eat and then I over eat the wrong foods. When I am stressed I tend to eat more carbohydrates then my body really needs, simply because they are quick and easy to prepare.

Why am I telling you all this. Well it all goes back to control. This is just another area in my life that I have taken control of and have totally messed it up. My whole life I have chosen to control my own food intake and in doing so, instead of allowing God control of my body, I have made myself to suffer greatly.

Romans 12:1 says, “Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship.”

If I want to rightly worship my God, and I desperately do, then this needs to be placed under submission to Him. So that's what I am doing here. So you may be seeing more posts about food and submitting to God about food in future, maybe you don't struggle with food issues. So as you read, substitute the word that you do struggle with. Because ultimately this isn't about what I put into my mouth, it is about what I allow in my heart. I can allow myself to continue as I always have, doing what I think is best or I can listen to what God says is best.

Since God is the one who created me I think perhaps He may be better equipped to show me how to live my life then I am. And I'll be honest, it's a bit scary to trust God like this. To trust the people in this virtual Bible study. But I know that God is calling me to be accountable.

I wonder, is God calling you to be accountable about some area in your life? I know it can be frightening, but I've been walking with God long enough to know that it is always better to submit whenever you are able.