A New Journey of Thankfulness

For the past twenty-five years I have tried to understand the Christian experience. I have tried to find the secret to being a “good” Christian. I have tried to comprehend the intricate details of this life of a follower. For most of those years I have groped in the darkness trying to find some flicker of light to guide my path. From time to time I have found a bit of light in the dark. There are many things I learned along the way that I have had to unlearn. There are paradigms that I have had to shift, some that I am still trying to shift. There are character flaws in myself that have hindered my clear vision of the reality of God's kingdom. I have also had amazing things take place in me that I would have never though possible.

I am beginning at forty years old to see myself for who and what I am. It is only recently that I have begun to embrace my true self. I am just beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin. Though I still have some patterns of behavior that get in my way, I am beginning to see myself through the eyes of Jesus.

I have begun to realize...

It is not about being talented or having ability.

It is not about being eloquent with words.

It is not about finding a perfect plan or the right formula.

It is not about living in some amazing righteous perfection.

It is about having relationship.

I have believed in God since I was fifteen. I went to church and did all the stuff good church people do for years and years. And then one day I had a true and real encounter with God in which He showed me the reality of my sin. In this I mean that I saw the cost of my sin. I saw the price that Jesus paid for my forgiveness. I could quote John 3:16 by rote, but I did not truly understand the depths of His love for me. And then like the properties of a flood light on a cloudy moonless night I could see clearly of His great and abiding love for me.

Over the last twelve years I have had to begin again. And I have had to begin again and again. I have had to come away from my striving for acceptance. I have had to walk away from the “works” of the kingdom. I have had to step away from good things, to find the right things. I have had to learn the hard way that no one can make this journey for me. I must choose to put aside my rights and privileges for the sake of my relationship.

It has not been easy. I was told that it would not be easy, that denying myself would be a daily matter, but I was not prepared for the trials I would face. I read a sign that said, “There is a reason for your suffering... sometimes it's because you were stupid.” Some of my trials were due to my stupidity. Some were not. I am thankful that God's mercies are new each day. His mercy is what has sustained me.

All my life I have lived in a reality apart from others. I have struggled to understand why things just didn't add up for me. I thought that being a part of the family of God would “fix” me. That if I tried hard enough and did all the things that Christians do I would become like them. But that is not what God has called me to. He does not want me to be like the proverbial them.

God made me unique for a purpose. I am not entirely sure what that purpose is, but I have come to the realization that I will not find my path in the normative. Instead, I have had to find my own path, to develop my own relationship with God, separate and uniquely from any model that I may have seen in the lives of others.

I have found that the way others relate to God is not the way I relate to God. And it is not the way He relates to me. I have found comfort in the Psalms, and Lamentation. I have found comfort in knowing that though I am alone in my wilderness walk I am not on my own. I have found comfort in knowing that even in the midst of darkness, even when I can not “feel” His presence, God is never far from me. Even when I have run in fear of His plans for me, like Jonah running to the sea, I need only turn around to see that He has made a way for my redemption. That no matter how far I run, He will always be right there to scoop me up into His arms of love.

So today, I am thankful. I am thankful for clarity of mind and purpose. I am thankful that God loves me just the way that I am, and yet He does not leave me alone to try and fix my flaws, but rather draws me to His side. I am thankful that He has taught me that love is an action and not a feeling. I am thankful that He has given me a desire to be committed to His will and His ways, even when it is difficult. I am thankful that He has given me a family that is faithful to love me thought the hardest of circumstances and to trust me to God when they can not help. I am thankful for the church both universal and local for there prayers, for their patience, for those who have gone before. I am thankful for those who have walked with me as I have learned to walk in this faith. I am thankful for those who have had relationship with God who have modeled to me that it can be done. I am thankful for the great love of God that He would send His only Son for me, imperfect as I am.

I no longer strive to find understanding in the Christian experience, but rather I seek to have a dynamic relationship with the one who made me, and rescued me from destruction. I seek to have a deep and lasting relationship with the one who broke the chains of my captivity and brought me into the light of day.