Part
Twelve of Twelve: Space To Trust & Relinquish Control
In
this silence, in this day, in this season of my life, I am purposing
to intentionally clear away the debris that has cluttered my life. It
is not that I am shirking my responsibilities as a wife, as a mother.
But I am purposefully taking time to remove unneeded baggage in my
life.
The
unneeded baggage around my waist is easy compared
to
the unneeded baggage around my heart. Just as the removal of clutter
in my home is a steady process, so too is the clutter of my heart.
There
are things in my life today that have been illuminated before me in
this season that have been there all along, but I was oblivious to
there presence, and hindrance in my life, and relationship with God.
Where
I did not see before, I clearly see now.
For
the sake of transparency I here disclose a lifelong need for control.
I have for as long as my memory holds have held on the the illusion
that I could somehow gain control of the circumstances in my life.
That if I did certain things, or became a stronger, better person
that I would be able to hold control of my own life in my hands.
But
control, aside from self-control (tempering your reactions to outside
stimuli) is an impossible lie. Even self-control is beyond me most
days, in and of myself. It is only when I give the Holy Spirit reign
in me that I keep my tongue from stupidity and my feet from the path
of temptation.
Equally,
trust has been always difficult for me. Trusting anyone with me, with
the stuff I have filled my space with has never come easy to me. With
every little betrayal, or misunderstanding I have driven yet another
nail in the coffin that holds my trust.
So
I am giving space, here on these pages for God to take control of my
words. I am giving space for my trust in God's plan for me to
increase. I am trusting God first, that my words are worth writing. I
am trusting that God will guard my heart. I am trusting that it is
God who has allowed these words to flow from the space in my head
onto my fingertips and out into cyberspace.
So
please, take the words that I have poured out here, as from my heart.
Because that is what you see; my heart poured out as an offering to
God.
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