The Illusion of Control

Control - to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.

For much of my life I felt a lack of control over my circumstances. So many things took place in my life that I had no choice in. Where I lived was not up to me, but the courts. My life as a child was controlled by others. Some was normal lack of control as no child should have full reign of his/her own life. They would be left in ruin if left to their own devices. But some of the control others wielded over me was wrong, even illegal. When you take all control away from a child, not even allowing them to feel the way that they feel for fear of consequences, it warps the fabric of their lives. The effects ripple into adulthood.

In my teens when I should have been finding myself, my purpose, I was trying to overcome the violence of a relative against me. That man took control of me without my consent. But because I was used to not having control, I did not know how to even ask for help. I did not even know what he did was outside societal norms. I was left without a way of escape. I did not know there was a way to take control.

As I approached adulthood I began to realize the need for control. I began to see how overwhelming circumstances where for me and I began to order my life in such a way that would keep me out of the control of others and keep me safe from the control of evil people. I was going to fix things.

I began to attend church and found that those people exhibited a great deal of control over their lives, even over their desires and that appealed to me. A firm set of guidelines to live life was set before me that seemed to make since to me. If you follow the path that Jesus set out then your life will turn out good. If you walk this way then you will become a strong Christian. Do this, then that. I had no idea that this is not God's reality.

Many of my classmates began to experiment with drugs and alcohol. I have never chosen to drink alcohol or do drugs, because I saw the lack of restraint that others I have known exhibited while using these substances. Their lack of control frightened me. So I chose not to place myself into any situation that would result in a lack of control.

My father would say that he taught me how to be independent. To rely only on myself. And I would say that he did indeed teach me this skill. More then any attribute in my life I have always endeavored to be independent. But independence is not the highest goal of a mature human being, interdependence is. Interdependence requires a much greater amount of emotional stability then independence does. One can not be in control and interdependent at the same time.

When I was not in control of my life, when I was dependent upon others, it was filled with pain and sorrows. When the circumstances of life robbed me of control I was hurt in many ways. I did not want to hurt, so I felt taking control of my life was the best way to solve that problem.

When a person becomes a Christian they choose willingly to relinquish control of their lives to God. The deal is to give everything to Christ, your whole life. But God is patient, He knows when we are wounded by life that it is not always easy to give everything to Him all at once. God is not an impatient toddler yanking your control from your hands, as though it were His favorite toy. He is gentle with the wounded.

I have realized that control, at least my idea of it, is an illusion. We can no more control the circumstances of our lives then we can control the weather. The only things in life that we can control are our responses to those circumstances. I can not control if my husband or one of my children has a bad day and lashes out at me. But I can control how I respond to them. And I know my response pattern. I know what I do when others lash out at me. I fight back.

But that is not the way of the cross. Jesus endured the punishment that we might be saved. So each day I must choose. Do I take control of my response or do I release it to the will of the Father. Too often I have taken control of my responses. Too often I have chosen my own way. Even when I respond correctly, with patience and understanding, it is not enough. In myself, patience and understanding go only so far. When I release my responses to God's will something changes. Because, His patience is unending, and His understanding reaches beyond the circumstance and into the realm of the unseen.

And when I release control healing comes. Every single time. What do I mean healing comes? Well, when I allow God to be present in the situation and stop holding tightly to controlling the circumstance I am no longer standing in God's path to healing the hurt that took place, or repairing the situation that arose.

I have had to, and still have to, repent of my poor responses. That is a bitter pill to swallow. When a circumstance is out of my hands and I am hurt by that circumstance it is hard to see that my response to what happened may be wrong. After all that person or that thing that happened really hurt me, why shouldn't I be angry or want them to be made to pay (or suffer). Isn't it natural to feel that way?

But that is not what Jesus did. As a Christian I have been called to follow His example for my life. In myself there is no way. I will always fight back. I will always demand my rights in my own self. It is only through the power of the Holy Spirit that I can ever hope to respond in the full power of God's love and forgiveness. 1 John 4:4 says... greater is he who lives in me then he who lives in the world.

If I really believe this, then I must choose, again and again, to release my control over my life and allow God's will to be done. Even when it hurts. Even when it scares me. Even when I can't see the benefit. Even when I will look the fool.

I have not arrived at the other side of this. I don't think that any of us ever get to a place when we can say, “I am always doing the will of the Father”, but that is my goal. I want to more and more choose to release my own false control to the will of the Father. And I take comfort in Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.