It has been so long since I've written in this blog. I started this blog years ago for several reasons, mostly to let my friends and family get a glimpse into our daily lives homeschooling my four children. But after a while it just seemed more a chore then a blessing... so I stopped trying at it.
My son Josiah, he loves to draw. If he's not watching Walking Dead or making his siblings miserable by pestering them he is drawing some new and amazing thing. When he draws he blooms, he shines.
That's how writing is with me. I love to write. When I take the time to write, I feel more free, more at peace with myself, more me then at any other time. So here I am again, writing. This time for another reason. This time I am writing for me.
I guess you could call this, Stream of Consciousness. It is all just what is flowing out of me right now. And it may not all make since to you, but more then not it is for me. It makes since to me and I guess that is at least something.
Friday Jason and I had a date night. We don't do that very often; a few times a year really. We talked about the kids a little too much. Guess that comes with being parents. Then we talked about where we are headed in our lives, our physical, spiritual, emotional trajectory I guess you could say.
Long ago God called Jason into service as a preacher. He hasn't preached in years, but that call hasn't been rescinded. Sometimes he may feel that way. Sometimes I feel like he will never share God in that way again and sometimes that makes me feel sad.
Sometimes when you aren't doing what you are supposed to do it is painful. Sometimes it is a relief. Sometimes it is a mixture of emotions that spill out on all aspects of life. For me it's the last.
I was never called to be a pastor, a preacher, a worship (song) leader or a Sunday school teacher. There are so many things I was never called to. So many things I tried to do to "please" God and to "please" people.
Being in this place that I have been for the past 8 years has helped me to see things from a new perspective. From a better vantage point, I guess you could say. Even though this vantage point has been difficult to endure I am thankful that God is in every season.
I was and am called to be a worshiper, but that is so different then standing in a pulpit singing on a Sunday morning or Wednesday night. There is so much I could say about this, but it's not where my mind is headed tonight. So I will move on.
I was and am called to be an intercessor. Which since I'm being honest here has always frightened me, a great deal. I feel as though I have not or ever will be able to live up to that calling.
We (those who believe) are all called to intercede, one for another. This is a call every believer has been issued. However, somewhere along the line my brain got this idea that there were Christians and expert Christians, and "Intercessor" turned into expert Christian which turned into "Superhero Christian".
I know that Jason read excerpts from "The Life and Diary of David Brainard" to me back when we were in Bible college. For some unfathomable reason, that has been my template for the life of an Intercessor ever since. I really don't know why, I guess my brain just makes odd connections that are unrealistic.
I have quite a few more thoughts about being a worshiper and about intercession. I have a few thoughts about some other things God has called me to do... and some things about "who I am". Some people might say this or that is a calling. Some things I have learned about who I am I have been told is a calling but for me it is just part of me. But my fingers can't keep up with my brain and it has moved on to other things.
So Friday, Jason and I had some time to reflect, to discuss our lives. After 18 years of marriage you might think we are in step, but we are not always. We need to, from time to time, take stock and really listen to where the other is. I think more so in these last few years then in the first few. So many things have changed in each of our world views that we do need that time to really hear the other.
Right now Jason is on a diet. It's more then just a diet, really. He is in the process of changing his lifestyle when it comes to what he puts into his mouth and even what comes out of it. He has, in the last couple months, lost 52 lbs. Which is something I am very proud of.
But it's not just about losing the weight, or even "just" about being healthier. He is changing how he thinks about himself. He is beginning to see the patterns of destruction and derailment that he has perpetuated over the years. This mindset of thinking "if I can do this" rather then knowing that he can do this has overshadowed his life for a long time. There has been a lot of defeated talk in our marriage over the years, from both of us. Also he talked a bit about being tethered to our past, and how God is showing him that the tether has already been cut. There was a lot more that I won't go into.
Then it was my turn to share my thoughts, ideas, my heart. I have not been content where I am in my life for a while now. I love being a wife and mother. That is not what I mean. There is a sense in me of unfulfilled potential.
Growing up I had always been expected not to make much of my life. No one really expected me to amount to anything. I come from a broken and dysfunctional home filled with more issues then I care to discuss at this time. I come from the wrong side of the tracks. From parents who certainly did not raise me to love God or care about His wishes for my life.
Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming my parents for my current life situation... I am just saying that success was not on my horizon. The truth is my parents did the best they could with the tools they had.
So to the casual observer perhaps my discontent is not founded. And for a long time I did not really understand why I felt this discontent. I did not understand why I felt so unfulfilled when, for all intents and purposes, my life is blessed.
But my past, my family dynamics in childhood, which side of the tracks I come from... none of that filters through God's eyes. When God looks at me He doesn't see my limitations. He doesn't see who others think I am. He doesn't even see who I think I am. He sees who I can be.
So in the light of this reality, this truth, I can see why I have feelings of unfulfilled potential. When I look at myself through the eyes of Christ my potential is limitless.
In the midst of my minds spinning, whirling thoughts as we talked, Jason asked me what I thought I needed to help me be where I feel fulfilled. I can't recall exactly what he said, but that was the gist of it. I told him what I really wanted was to go to a church that I feel like I can be me in.
I have never really felt comfortable in my own skin in general, but in church it has always been even more difficult. I could never find a way to feel genuinely myself without putting people off and when I tried to be like others I felt a sense of falsehood that makes me very uncomfortable. So off the cuff, I said, "What I'd really like to do is go to a Vineyard Church."
We visited a Vineyard Church in Kentucky years ago and it felt so relaxed. It felt so free. The people were so "different" that I knew that if we had lived in Kentucky at the time that would be a great home for me. We lived in Joplin, MO so commuting that far was not an option.
All of these feelings of not belonging have been stirring in me for many many years now. I spent so many years trying to find a way to get God to accept me... to trick Him into loving me, because I knew I was so very unlovable. So after I came to the realization of Christ's love for me, that I didn't have to trick him or be something that I wasn't, I have never wanted to go back to that herd mentality that was such a defining part of my adolescence and early adult life.
I found a sense of belonging without conforming to a set of demands when we went to the home fellowship in Wichita, KS. I still felt that pull to conform to a standard, but I also felt a sense of acceptance that I had not experienced before in my life. When we moved to Ohio I immediately missed that acceptance, that unconditional love.
We have been in a desert place since moving here 8 years ago. Ohio is the place where we return. It is the place we come back to when God needs to sit us down. Like little kids being forced to obey, we have been placed here. It is hard to accept that this is where He wants us or rather where we need to be to learn His lessons. I am not sure why this is, but I am realizing the reality of it more and more of late.
Since we moved here I have missed that sense of community that we had in Wichita. Of course, I miss the bonds of friendship with those who we shared our lives with for so many years in Joplin and Wichita. And there is a little of that missing them personally, but it is not just those friendships that I miss. I miss the connectedness to the body of Christ.
It is not for lack of trying that I have this void. We have tried to fit into several churches since coming to Ohio. And the people at those churches are loved by and lovers of God. There wasn't really anything "wrong" with those churches.
Still there was something I couldn't put my finger on that was just not working. I felt like I was walking on a bed of Legos at two am in my bare feet. I felt like a cat in a bathtub. I felt misshapen and out of sorts. Like a puzzle piece that doesn't fit... because it doesn't go to that puzzle. And I couldn't put my finger on why I felt this way. I mean besides the fact that I am not like other people.
A minister friend of mine told me recently that there is a place for every believer in the body of Christ. And while I did agree with her... there was a part of me that said, "everyone but me".
Jason said to me on Friday night, "If you want to go to a Vineyard Church let's find one". Last night he looked up the nearest Vineyard Church and printed out directions... for Me. Because I need this. Because I need something different than what we have been doing. He did this because he loves me. He did this because he knows how much living here has been a struggle for me. Though I doubt either of us could put into words exactly why, though I have tried here.
We went to the second service @ Vineyard Church Cleveland this morning. After the service Jason asked each of the kids what they thought of the service.
~Josiah said that he felt very welcomed in the service and that it was comfortable, that it was the best service he's been to. That is saying a lot coming from my most skeptical child.
~Micah liked the fireplace, the music and the relaxed atmosphere. Even though the music was a bit loud (for his sensitive ears) he didn't cover his ears and even sang along.
~Zechariah said that he felt the same way Josiah felt, that it was comfortable and he liked the preaching.
~Selah said she really liked the music and preaching. She said she liked the preachers stories and that she liked Miki. Miki is a very nice woman who sat beside me after the service began.
~Jason said that David was preaching to him. At the end of the service Jason didn't feel comfortable going up to the altar for prayer but the lady beside me, Miki, asked if she could pray for him. Heart felt compassion from a perfect stranger isn't something that we are really used to these days. It is amazing how God can use His sons and daughters. It has been a long time since I have seen Jason cry in the presence of God. Jason also said that it was refreshing.
For me... today was an answer to what Jason and I have been discussing over the last nine months or so. An answer to these "something missing" feelings that I have been feeling for so long. I know it may seem odd having spent such a short time in this community and yet feeling such a sudden and profound connection to it.
I am such an odd duck, that I have always felt this square peg/round hole dynamic in just about every fellowship I've ever attended, even when I have been in the midst of beloved friends I have felt that uniqueness of me (and often not in a good way). This is not fault of those faith communities... just me being different.
Today I felt more then comfortable standing in this church being me... I didn't feel like I had to do, or say or be any certain way, just be me and that it was okay. No one told me this. No one came up and said, you can just be you here. No one came up to me and said, "Hey, I accept you just the way you are." And yet I felt accepted. I felt welcomed.
Jason said, it was like God was saying, "Welcome, I'm glad your here what took you so long?" That is exactly how it felt.
The worship was powerful. It was more then just music. We only knew one song (Jason knew two) and yet I felt this peace and rest. While I'm sure that Ben, the worship leader, had prepared, it felt effortless as he just worshiped God and expected everyone to come along.
It wasn't just that I felt welcomed and comfortable, I felt at home, something I haven't felt in a very long time. We will be going again next week.
I don't know if this is the start of something new. I don't know if God is leading us to this place, but I feel more optimistic about being a part of the body of Christ then I have in many years. That just maybe there really is a place in the body of Christ for a dysfunctional, wrong side of the tracks girl who just wants to love Jesus and others in her own unique way.
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