Being Fake, a Fight, a Miracle and Surrendering to the Father.

So I am not so good at faking it. I have never been good at following the societal norm. I admit I am socially awkward. So mostly, I have in the past, just kept silent when I didn't measure up to the expectations of those in my peer group. Sort of the philosophy of Proverbs 17:28 Even fools are thought wise if they keep silent, and discerning if they hold their tongues.

I have some of the same social traits and even some of the sensory issues as my autistic son. I am not autistic, but I can understand his struggles in some ways. As a child I was extremely shy. Then I married an extreme extrovert. Living with him has helped me to reveal myself more and more over the last 18 years. Sometimes kicking and screaming, but God has helped me through Jason's example to be more social. So I am not so silent anymore, but the awkwardness is still there in some ways.

About being fake, I can't do it. I can't hide behind a mask of “everything is fine”. There is an unwritten policy in some churches that you don't rock the boat. Don't let others see how messed up you are. I actually heard a man preaching say, “Fake it till you make it”. And in some, there is this realization that even if you were “real” there is no hope for “that” issue. The idea that there is no power to heal the broken in body or in spirit.

However, Isaiah 61:1-2 says, “The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor”

Isaiah is speaking prophetically about the coming king who will one day fulfill this promise. In Luke 4:17 we see Jesus is handed the scroll in the temple and after reading this passage he says in verse 21 "Today this scripture is fulfilled in your hearing." Jesus said he is here to bind up the brokenhearted and proclaim freedom for the captives. Not only that, but He has given His bride the power (through Him) to do these things as well.

So here on this page I am saying that sometimes I am brokenhearted and sometimes I am captive. Sometimes I feel like a prisoner bound in darkness. I want to live a life filled with the great love of Jesus. I want to be a perfect example of how God can come in and fix your every problem. I want to say my life is full of blessings and that I am strong in the Lord. I want to smile and say, my life is so blessed, my marriage is perfect, my kids are always obedient. I've got it all together, I am the best homescooling mom on the block, I'm the best wife around, and so many other affirmations. But that is not my reality.

The truth is I am far from arrived. Over the past few months God has been dealing with me about control. I blogged a little about it a few days ago, but there is so much more to it then I was able to articulate.

When we become believers we choose to give the control of our lives to Christ. Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.”

The denying self part of walking with Jesus has not been easy for me. I have struggled to give my will to the Father's will. When I say I have struggled, I really mean that. It has been a daily battle in my life for the past eleven years to truly surrender my will to His. It has been hard for me to respond to life's circumstances as Jesus would, the ol' saying, “What Would Jesus Do?” is not very helpful if you know what Jesus would do and choose not to do it.

This morning Jason was in a “mood”. He get's in moods from time to time. Sometimes I am good at dealing with his moods, often I am horribly inadequate. I want to make it better. I want to “fix” the issue, but more often then not I make matters worse. Today, I made matters worse. So we went from an irritation to a verbal fight. To compound matters our four children were witness to our bloody mess. I knew what I needed to do.

Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle word turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” I wanted to give a gentle word to Jason this morning as he struggled in his mood. My voice was gentle when I spoke, but my heart was not gentle with Jason's heart. There is truth in the saying that it takes two to have a fight. And I blew it. I did not surrender control of my responses to Jason's mood to the will of the Father. In my disobedience I caused harm to myself, my husband and my children.

In the past we would have continued to fight and forget going to church, or go to church and put a smile on our faces, often resuming the fight after church. Today, we went to church. On the way, I apologized to Jason for my poor response. We talked about matters, but they were not fixed. It is hard to explain, but being there (being in the place of hurt at church) was okay.

Pastor Tom preached out of Isaiah 9. He talked about what is and what is to come. What is at the time of Isaiah's writing was that devastation had come they were in darkness, but in the future the people will see the light. There was a lot more, but the one thing he said that really reverberated in my soul was this simple phrase that the way you see you is not the way God sees you.

“The way I see me is not the way God sees me.”

After the service a young man not much older then Josiah came over to me and asked me if I was okay. I was praying and crying a bit about our fight. This kid prayed for me such a simple prayer, a real prayer. It was his heart to see healing for me. How humbling. A man came up to me afterward and asked me, “How are you doing?” I said, “Horrible, thanks for asking.” I don't think he really expected that kind of response. In a few moments Jason poured out what had happened and this man began to pray with Jason. Then he just put his arms around Jason and let him cry about it.

It would have been enough you know. God touched us through these two. But after the service they were having something they call First Look, which is a meeting for newcomers to the church. After the meeting, two of the small group leaders sat with us and just let us pour our hearts out to them.

You might think that's no big deal, or that it is odd. But the truth is that it was a miracle. You know we think that a dead person coming from the grave is a miracle, the lame walking- that's a miracle. How can I say that two people listening to us tell our struggle of faith is a miracle?

Here is how... They listened to the Spirit of God, they heard Him saying, just listen to them. And they obeyed, they didn't try to fix our issues. We chose to be vulnerable to them. It is very difficult for a brokenhearted person to be vulnerable to others. The fact that we were able to is miraculous. In our own power there is no way we could have orchestrated this. There is no way they could have either.

Jesus said, “By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” That was love.

So a little fight isn't a huge deal, I know that some have much bigger things going on in their lives. The thing is that God is doing things in Jason's heart right now and the moods is just one of the things He is healing and rooting out of his heart. I won't really go into his stuff here though. I really don't think that's for me to do.

For me, it isn't about a fight... it is all about control. I want to be in control of our relationship. I want to make everything work just so. Why? Because I want to protect my heart. My heart has been broken many times.

This week I saw an imagining; it was of my heart. My heart was one of those blown glass ornaments that has been crushed into dust. Some by the sin of others, some by my own sin, some by the uncontrollable circumstances of life. But there it was dust in my hands. Then I saw the Father's hands beneath my cupped hands and I knew somehow that He was waiting for me to give him the dust that had once been my heart. And I heard, “Will you give it to me? If you do I will refine it in the fire. I will make a heart of flesh.” In my imagining I saw myself pouring my crushed heart into His hands and surrendering my heart, my brokenheartedness, to the Lord.

I can choose to think, “That is just my imagination.” after-all, I do have a vivid one. Or I can choose to believe what I saw in my imagination was from God. That God cares about my heart and that He wants to bind up my brokenhearted soul. I choose the latter. But I can't literally take my physical heart from my chest and hand it to the Father. I can't even figuratively do so. What I can do is release my control in circumstances to the will of God. I can trust that His ways are best.

I know I'll mess up again. I know that I will respond in self again along the way. As I said before I have not yet arrived. But I also know that the Kingdom of God is inside of me. There is this dynamic in my life. It's like we are always saying, Father, Your Kingdom come Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. In Christ I am already arrived, but in myself I mess up. So I am again coming daily to lay myself at Jesus' Feet and saying I surrender control. And I will mess up, but I am not condemned because of it... because God's grace is enough. It really is enough to deal with my bloody messes.

So today, I choose to not be fake. Today I choose to receive the miracle of His power to bind up the brokenhearted. And I choose to surrender to His will in my life, both the big things and the tiny little things. And tomorrow... tomorrow His mercies for me to do it all again will be waiting for me.

The Illusion of Control

Control - to exercise restraint or direction over; dominate; command.

For much of my life I felt a lack of control over my circumstances. So many things took place in my life that I had no choice in. Where I lived was not up to me, but the courts. My life as a child was controlled by others. Some was normal lack of control as no child should have full reign of his/her own life. They would be left in ruin if left to their own devices. But some of the control others wielded over me was wrong, even illegal. When you take all control away from a child, not even allowing them to feel the way that they feel for fear of consequences, it warps the fabric of their lives. The effects ripple into adulthood.

In my teens when I should have been finding myself, my purpose, I was trying to overcome the violence of a relative against me. That man took control of me without my consent. But because I was used to not having control, I did not know how to even ask for help. I did not even know what he did was outside societal norms. I was left without a way of escape. I did not know there was a way to take control.

As I approached adulthood I began to realize the need for control. I began to see how overwhelming circumstances where for me and I began to order my life in such a way that would keep me out of the control of others and keep me safe from the control of evil people. I was going to fix things.

I began to attend church and found that those people exhibited a great deal of control over their lives, even over their desires and that appealed to me. A firm set of guidelines to live life was set before me that seemed to make since to me. If you follow the path that Jesus set out then your life will turn out good. If you walk this way then you will become a strong Christian. Do this, then that. I had no idea that this is not God's reality.

Many of my classmates began to experiment with drugs and alcohol. I have never chosen to drink alcohol or do drugs, because I saw the lack of restraint that others I have known exhibited while using these substances. Their lack of control frightened me. So I chose not to place myself into any situation that would result in a lack of control.

My father would say that he taught me how to be independent. To rely only on myself. And I would say that he did indeed teach me this skill. More then any attribute in my life I have always endeavored to be independent. But independence is not the highest goal of a mature human being, interdependence is. Interdependence requires a much greater amount of emotional stability then independence does. One can not be in control and interdependent at the same time.

When I was not in control of my life, when I was dependent upon others, it was filled with pain and sorrows. When the circumstances of life robbed me of control I was hurt in many ways. I did not want to hurt, so I felt taking control of my life was the best way to solve that problem.

When a person becomes a Christian they choose willingly to relinquish control of their lives to God. The deal is to give everything to Christ, your whole life. But God is patient, He knows when we are wounded by life that it is not always easy to give everything to Him all at once. God is not an impatient toddler yanking your control from your hands, as though it were His favorite toy. He is gentle with the wounded.

I have realized that control, at least my idea of it, is an illusion. We can no more control the circumstances of our lives then we can control the weather. The only things in life that we can control are our responses to those circumstances. I can not control if my husband or one of my children has a bad day and lashes out at me. But I can control how I respond to them. And I know my response pattern. I know what I do when others lash out at me. I fight back.

But that is not the way of the cross. Jesus endured the punishment that we might be saved. So each day I must choose. Do I take control of my response or do I release it to the will of the Father. Too often I have taken control of my responses. Too often I have chosen my own way. Even when I respond correctly, with patience and understanding, it is not enough. In myself, patience and understanding go only so far. When I release my responses to God's will something changes. Because, His patience is unending, and His understanding reaches beyond the circumstance and into the realm of the unseen.

And when I release control healing comes. Every single time. What do I mean healing comes? Well, when I allow God to be present in the situation and stop holding tightly to controlling the circumstance I am no longer standing in God's path to healing the hurt that took place, or repairing the situation that arose.

I have had to, and still have to, repent of my poor responses. That is a bitter pill to swallow. When a circumstance is out of my hands and I am hurt by that circumstance it is hard to see that my response to what happened may be wrong. After all that person or that thing that happened really hurt me, why shouldn't I be angry or want them to be made to pay (or suffer). Isn't it natural to feel that way?

But that is not what Jesus did. As a Christian I have been called to follow His example for my life. In myself there is no way. I will always fight back. I will always demand my rights in my own self. It is only through the power of the Holy Spirit that I can ever hope to respond in the full power of God's love and forgiveness. 1 John 4:4 says... greater is he who lives in me then he who lives in the world.

If I really believe this, then I must choose, again and again, to release my control over my life and allow God's will to be done. Even when it hurts. Even when it scares me. Even when I can't see the benefit. Even when I will look the fool.

I have not arrived at the other side of this. I don't think that any of us ever get to a place when we can say, “I am always doing the will of the Father”, but that is my goal. I want to more and more choose to release my own false control to the will of the Father. And I take comfort in Lamentations 3:22-23 The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases; his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

Poetry of Prayer

Poetry of Prayer

11-26-2015

It is in the quite hours after the world has gone to sleep that I hear your voice.

It is when I have quieted my own voices within that I can truly hear you speak.

In the dark, alone, I listen.

Silence fills my mind.

The clock tics, seconds pass.

You are here, You are present in this moment.

I lower my head, my heart, ashamed of my sins, of my wayward behavior.

Tears strain at the surface, trying to flood over my heart and into my eyes.

And I wait, alone, in the darkness.

You forgive, You forget so I linger on this reality.

You do not remember my wrongs, You do not hold a grudge.

But you do hold my shattered tender heart in Your nail scared hands.

Tears flow like rain from my heart, tears drip down my face.

Sorrow and pain fill my soul, but You heal+.

In the silence when I am alone You hold me.

How I need Your tender forgiving love.

I need You more then my lungs need breath.

You replace my fear with trust in You.

I rest in Your ever present peace*.

+Matthew 9:21-22for she was saying to herself, "If I only touch His garment, I will get well." But Jesus turning and seeing her said, "Daughter, take courage; your faith has made you well."

*John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid

A New Journey of Thankfulness

For the past twenty-five years I have tried to understand the Christian experience. I have tried to find the secret to being a “good” Christian. I have tried to comprehend the intricate details of this life of a follower. For most of those years I have groped in the darkness trying to find some flicker of light to guide my path. From time to time I have found a bit of light in the dark. There are many things I learned along the way that I have had to unlearn. There are paradigms that I have had to shift, some that I am still trying to shift. There are character flaws in myself that have hindered my clear vision of the reality of God's kingdom. I have also had amazing things take place in me that I would have never though possible.

I am beginning at forty years old to see myself for who and what I am. It is only recently that I have begun to embrace my true self. I am just beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin. Though I still have some patterns of behavior that get in my way, I am beginning to see myself through the eyes of Jesus.

I have begun to realize...

It is not about being talented or having ability.

It is not about being eloquent with words.

It is not about finding a perfect plan or the right formula.

It is not about living in some amazing righteous perfection.

It is about having relationship.

I have believed in God since I was fifteen. I went to church and did all the stuff good church people do for years and years. And then one day I had a true and real encounter with God in which He showed me the reality of my sin. In this I mean that I saw the cost of my sin. I saw the price that Jesus paid for my forgiveness. I could quote John 3:16 by rote, but I did not truly understand the depths of His love for me. And then like the properties of a flood light on a cloudy moonless night I could see clearly of His great and abiding love for me.

Over the last twelve years I have had to begin again. And I have had to begin again and again. I have had to come away from my striving for acceptance. I have had to walk away from the “works” of the kingdom. I have had to step away from good things, to find the right things. I have had to learn the hard way that no one can make this journey for me. I must choose to put aside my rights and privileges for the sake of my relationship.

It has not been easy. I was told that it would not be easy, that denying myself would be a daily matter, but I was not prepared for the trials I would face. I read a sign that said, “There is a reason for your suffering... sometimes it's because you were stupid.” Some of my trials were due to my stupidity. Some were not. I am thankful that God's mercies are new each day. His mercy is what has sustained me.

All my life I have lived in a reality apart from others. I have struggled to understand why things just didn't add up for me. I thought that being a part of the family of God would “fix” me. That if I tried hard enough and did all the things that Christians do I would become like them. But that is not what God has called me to. He does not want me to be like the proverbial them.

God made me unique for a purpose. I am not entirely sure what that purpose is, but I have come to the realization that I will not find my path in the normative. Instead, I have had to find my own path, to develop my own relationship with God, separate and uniquely from any model that I may have seen in the lives of others.

I have found that the way others relate to God is not the way I relate to God. And it is not the way He relates to me. I have found comfort in the Psalms, and Lamentation. I have found comfort in knowing that though I am alone in my wilderness walk I am not on my own. I have found comfort in knowing that even in the midst of darkness, even when I can not “feel” His presence, God is never far from me. Even when I have run in fear of His plans for me, like Jonah running to the sea, I need only turn around to see that He has made a way for my redemption. That no matter how far I run, He will always be right there to scoop me up into His arms of love.

So today, I am thankful. I am thankful for clarity of mind and purpose. I am thankful that God loves me just the way that I am, and yet He does not leave me alone to try and fix my flaws, but rather draws me to His side. I am thankful that He has taught me that love is an action and not a feeling. I am thankful that He has given me a desire to be committed to His will and His ways, even when it is difficult. I am thankful that He has given me a family that is faithful to love me thought the hardest of circumstances and to trust me to God when they can not help. I am thankful for the church both universal and local for there prayers, for their patience, for those who have gone before. I am thankful for those who have walked with me as I have learned to walk in this faith. I am thankful for those who have had relationship with God who have modeled to me that it can be done. I am thankful for the great love of God that He would send His only Son for me, imperfect as I am.

I no longer strive to find understanding in the Christian experience, but rather I seek to have a dynamic relationship with the one who made me, and rescued me from destruction. I seek to have a deep and lasting relationship with the one who broke the chains of my captivity and brought me into the light of day.

Waking Up!

I woke this morning to a pink, purple and orange sky. My clock's red letters announced the time to be 7:01am. "Why was I awake?", I thought, "I can sleep another hour at least". I am not an early riser, between being a night owl and having had acute insomnia in the past I am not entirely sure what a normal night sleep should even look like.

For several years I took a sleep aide just to fall asleep. It was supposed to keep me asleep all night (for at least 6 hours), but it never did. It did however, help me to fall asleep, which at the time was a huge deal. For a long time I thought not being able to fall asleep for hours and then waking a couple hours after I finally did get to sleep to be a huge nuisance until one day I was listening to a minister talking about *intercession. 

As I sat there listening to the minister explain the importance of listening for God in the middle of the night, I knew that he was talking directly to me. The minster used for his text First Samuel Chapter 3. I have since that day listened in the night for God's voice. Sometimes God does speak to me to pray for someone I know, or for some circumstance in my life. Sometimes God directs me to a verse in  the Bible that I need to read. I have heard there is an app on the smartphone that you can use to record your dreams or whatnot in the middle of the night, I just use a pen and notepad. I promise it ain't pretty. Sometimes I just pray to fall back to sleep. Since then I've heard of so many people being woken in the night to hear God speak to them. 

I often wondered over the years why it was that I and others are woken in the middle of our sleep cycle. I never thought to ask God why, until one day back in August of 2010 I did think to ask, and he answered me. He answered not why He wakes others, but why he wakes me. His answer was pretty simple. "Because you get too busy during the day to listen to me." Ouch, did that hurt. 

August of 2010 was a huge month for me. It was life changing. That month God literally stopped me in my tracks. I was sitting in a chair watching TV with Josiah one evening when I just stopped. I couldn't move my head, my arms, anything. Josiah was just 10 at the time and he was such an amazement to me. When he realized that something was wrong he called his dad at work and Jason rushed home. I spent the next 7 days in the hospital due to this sudden unexplained paralysis. I went from being a very active mother of four to not being able to move my own arms or legs. It was very scary. They never did find a real reason for the paralysis. 

It was in the middle of all this that I asked, God why. I asked God a whole lot of whys that week. And in His gracious love He chose to answer many of those questions with kindness and patience. Some He did not answer, some He still hasn't answered. However hard that is for me sometimes not to have all the answers I have learned to let what I don't know go. At least most of the time. 

The day I came home from the hospital, August 24th, 2010, I could hardly walk. Taking care of my four children then 10, 8, 6 & 3 was no easy task. Jason helped a lot. I prayed a lot. One question I asked God that day was, "God, what can I do?" I heard His voice as clear as crystal, "Walk a **marathon." 

"What?!" I could hardly walk from the van to the couch, how could I walk a marathon. That is not a good sense of humor God has. I asked God again and His answer was the same... and somehow I knew He meant business. 

So the next morning I walked to the mailbox with my 10 year old and almost 9 year old holding me up. I sat on a step stool that my 6 year old brought out to the curb. Then I walked to the end of the street, which is only three houses down. I sat at the curb on that old step stool waiting for strength in my legs and mind to return. 

It was so difficult just to force my body to work. It was beyond hard to make my body obey my mind. Something that I had for 35 years taken for granted felt almost impossible. I walked to the end of the street. I had to pray for every step I took. I had to ask God for strength just to put one foot in front of the other. I had to cry. In fact, I cried a lot over the next few months. I walked two blocks, then three, and then by December I could walk a mile. 

I never stopped praying for those steps. After a while the steps got easier. My ability to use my body again was restored. I still have mornings when I first wake up and have to force my body to move. There are times when I blank out, to the annoyance of my family, I am sure. But I have full use of my body 99.9% of the time and for me that is a huge blessing from God. 

It has taken me five years to do it, but I now walk 10 miles five to six days a week. It takes me all of three hours to do it, but I am doing it. Every step I pray. I pray now for different things. I pray for the people in the houses I pass. I pray for my family. I pray for the community. I also thank God. I thank God for health, for freedom, for my life, for my family. Well, all kinds of things.

I have to admit here that I also complain to God about all the stupid things that don't really matter. I complain about my rights, my feelings, my bad attitudes. I am not so good at the dying daily part of this Christian faith. And He listens, He's okay with me being a Grumpy Gus at times. Though sometimes I stay their a bit too long. And I get reminded of who He is and who I am. I am working toward having a more thankful attitude in my life. I know it is the way God would like me to live my life, but it is not so natural to me as it is for some. Or maybe it is not natural to anyone, and some just make it look easy.

So anyway, in the past year or so I have been getting better rest. At least three or four nights a week I am getting a full nights rest. My insomnia is down to only two or at the most three nights a month. 

8 or 9 months ago I kicked a caffeine habit I have had since I was 12 years old. I am actively trying to reduce all sugar fluids which is so hard for me. I have found a great secret, which is that my son Micah is the best hot tea maker in the family. I plan on using that secret to my advantage over the next few months. 

In the last eleven months I have also lost 52lbs. I am trying to lose another 20 to 25lbs. by March. These last 20 to 25lbs. have been a lot harder to lose then the first 52lbs.

In this last year God has been showing me something that for me seems like a huge revelation. Maybe it is obvious for some, but for me it has been a truth hard won. That truth is that "we" (human beings) are spirit, soul and body. We are not just spirit, or just soul (mind, will, emotions), or just body, but we are all three. We can no more remove our soul from our existence then we can cut our spirits out of our bodies. God has not just been teaching me this, but also, that if one part of who we are is broken, all of who we are is broken. Ultimately, He has been showing me that He is the one who can fix ALL of me, if I let Him. 

For many years I tried to get my spirit in shape by doing all the "right God stuff", instead of having a right relationship with God. I have to say this isn't something I was ever taught in a class, from a sermon or in Sunday school. It was just what I observed that I was supposed to do. And it was a totally incorrect observation on my part.

I pounded on my poor little soul demanding that she stop complaining, start acting the way she "should" and forced her to be what others expected, instead of letting her be who God chose her to be. I have caused far more heartache to my soul then anyone else ever has.

My body didn't get much help either, in my early teens I hardly ate, often eating one meal a day, sometimes even less. I still have a poor eating cycle, sometimes I eat nothing all day forgetting to eat until my body is screaming for food. In my teens I slept sporadically and never brought it to my doctors attention that I was often getting less then 4 hours of sleep a night. I did self harm well into adulthood. I despised my appearance thinking it was modest, humble and godly to call myself ugly or unattractive. Just in case you don't know... that is none of those things.

This Sunday on the way to church our family was discussing how we feel God is giving us some much needed answers to some pretty serious issues we've been dealing with (We've been walking around in circles in the wilderness for quite some time.). Then my husband said, I feel like Vineyard is not the complete answer to our problems, but that it is part of the solution. As we began to worship the leader began to sing a beautiful song which I'd never heard. In the middle of the song she began to sing spontaneously, "Jesus is the answer, Jesus is the only answer." Of all the amazing thing that happened during that service that is what my son Micah focused on. He focused on the fact that God heard our conversation and gave us the answer to our question.  

Five years ago God told me what I can do. He told me to do something that, at the time, seemed impossible. Next May I WILL walk a marathon. Why? Because God said I can do it. There are other things over the past five years that God has told me I can do. Impossible things. I will do those things too.

I woke this morning to a pink, purple and orange sky and I asked, "Why am I awake?" God's voice rang in my ears, "I have something you need to see." I watched as He showed me how far I have come. And then like a warm blanket on a snow covered Saturday afternoon, I felt a word seeping into my mind. That word? Trust. I've heard that word, often over the years. Today, it became part of who I am. Finally, I am awake.  


*Intercession is just a fancy word for talking to God about the needs of other people.
** The marathon is a long-distance running event with an official distance of 42.195 kilometers or 26 miles and 385 yards, usually run as a road race. In most official marathons the race must be completed within 7 hours of start time.

Stream of Consciousness: Where I am in my life right now.

It has been so long since I've written in this blog. I started this blog years ago for several reasons, mostly to let my friends and family get a glimpse into our daily lives homeschooling my four children. But after a while it just seemed more a chore then a blessing... so I stopped trying at it.
My son Josiah, he loves to draw. If he's not watching Walking Dead or making his siblings miserable by pestering them he is drawing some new and amazing thing. When he draws he blooms, he shines.
That's how writing is with me. I love to write. When I take the time to write, I feel more free, more at peace with myself, more me then at any other time. So here I am again, writing. This time for another reason. This time I am writing for me.
I guess you could call this, Stream of Consciousness. It is all just what is flowing out of me right now. And it may not all make since to you, but more then not it is for me. It makes since to me and I guess that is at least something. 
Friday Jason and I had a date night. We don't do that very often; a few times a year really. We talked about the kids a little too much. Guess that comes with being parents. Then we talked about where we are headed in our lives, our physical, spiritual, emotional trajectory I guess you could say.
Long ago God called Jason into service as a preacher. He hasn't preached in years, but that call hasn't been rescinded. Sometimes he may feel that way. Sometimes I feel like he will never share God in that way again and sometimes that makes me feel sad.
Sometimes when you aren't doing what you are supposed to do it is painful. Sometimes it is a relief. Sometimes it is a mixture of emotions that spill out on all aspects of life. For me it's the last.
I was never called to be a pastor, a preacher, a worship (song) leader or a Sunday school teacher. There are so many things I was never called to. So many things I tried to do to "please" God and to "please" people.
Being in this place that I have been for the past 8 years has helped me to see things from a new perspective. From a better vantage point, I guess you could say. Even though this vantage point has been difficult to endure I am thankful that God is in every season.
I was and am called to be a worshiper, but that is so different then standing in a pulpit singing on a Sunday morning or Wednesday night. There is so much I could say about this, but it's not where my mind is headed tonight. So I will move on. 
I was and am called to be an intercessor. Which since I'm being honest here has always frightened me, a great deal. I feel as though I have not or ever will be able to live up to that calling.
We (those who believe) are all called to intercede, one for another. This is a call every believer has been issued. However, somewhere along the line my brain got this idea that there were Christians and expert Christians, and "Intercessor" turned into expert Christian which turned into "Superhero Christian". 
I know that Jason read excerpts from "The Life and Diary of David Brainard" to me back when we were in Bible college. For some unfathomable reason, that has been my template for the life of an Intercessor ever since. I really don't know why, I guess my brain just makes odd connections that are unrealistic.
I have quite a few more thoughts about being a worshiper and about intercession. I have a few thoughts about some other things God has called me to do... and some things about "who I am". Some people might say this or that is a calling. Some things I have learned about who I am I have been told is a calling but for me it is just part of me. But my fingers can't keep up with my brain and it has moved on to other things.
So Friday, Jason and I had some time to reflect, to discuss our lives. After 18 years of marriage you might think we are in step, but we are not always. We need to, from time to time, take stock and really listen to where the other is. I think more so in these last few years then in the first few. So many things have changed in each of our world views that we do need that time to really hear the other. 
Right now Jason is on a diet. It's more then just a diet, really. He is in the process of changing his lifestyle when it comes to what he puts into his mouth and even what comes out of it. He has, in the last couple months, lost 52 lbs. Which is something I am very proud of.
But it's not just about losing the weight, or even "just" about being healthier. He is changing how he thinks about himself. He is beginning to see the patterns of destruction and derailment that he has perpetuated over the years. This mindset of thinking "if I can do this" rather then knowing that he can do this has overshadowed his life for a long time. There has been a lot of defeated talk in our marriage over the years, from both of us. Also he talked a bit about being tethered to our past, and how God is showing him that the tether has already been cut. There was a lot more that I won't go into.
Then it was my turn to share my thoughts, ideas, my heart. I have not been content where I am in my life for a while now. I love being a wife and mother. That is not what I mean. There is a sense in me of unfulfilled potential.
Growing up I had always been expected not to make much of my life. No one really expected me to amount to anything. I come from a broken and dysfunctional home filled with more issues then I care to discuss at this time. I come from the wrong side of the tracks. From parents who certainly did not raise me to love God or care about His wishes for my life.
Don't get me wrong, I am not blaming my parents for my current life situation... I am just saying that success was not on my horizon. The truth is my parents did the best they could with the tools they had.
So to the casual observer perhaps my discontent is not founded. And for a long time I did not really understand why I felt this discontent. I did not understand why I felt so unfulfilled when, for all intents and purposes, my life is blessed.
But my past, my family dynamics in childhood, which side of the tracks I come from... none of that filters through God's eyes. When God looks at me He doesn't see my limitations. He doesn't see who others think I am. He doesn't even see who I think I am. He sees who I can be.
So in the light of this reality, this truth, I can see why I have feelings of unfulfilled potential. When I look at myself through the eyes of Christ my potential is limitless.
In the midst of my minds spinning, whirling thoughts as we talked, Jason asked me what I thought I needed to help me be where I feel fulfilled. I can't recall exactly what he said, but that was the gist of it. I told him what I really wanted was to go to a church that I feel like I can be me in.
I have never really felt comfortable in my own skin in general, but in church it has always been even more difficult. I could never find a way to feel genuinely myself without putting people off and when I tried to be like others I felt a sense of falsehood that makes me very uncomfortable. So off the cuff, I said, "What I'd really like to do is go to a Vineyard Church."
We visited a Vineyard Church in Kentucky years ago and it felt so relaxed. It felt so free. The people were so "different" that I knew that if we had lived in Kentucky at the time that would be a great home for me. We lived in Joplin, MO so commuting that far was not an option.
All of these feelings of not belonging have been stirring in me for many many years now. I spent so many years trying to find a way to get God to accept me... to trick Him into loving me, because I knew I was so very unlovable. So after I came to the realization of Christ's love for me, that I didn't have to trick him or be something that I wasn't, I have never wanted to go back to that herd mentality that was such a defining part of my adolescence and early adult life.
I found a sense of belonging without conforming to a set of demands when we went to the home fellowship in Wichita, KS. I still felt that pull to conform to a standard, but I also felt a sense of acceptance that I had not experienced before in my life. When we moved to Ohio I immediately missed that acceptance, that unconditional love.
We have been in a desert place since moving here 8 years ago. Ohio is the place where we return. It is the place we come back to when God needs to sit us down. Like little kids being forced to obey, we have been placed here. It is hard to accept that this is where He wants us or rather where we need to be to learn His lessons. I am not sure why this is, but I am realizing the reality of it more and more of late.
Since we moved here I have missed that sense of community that we had in Wichita. Of course, I miss the bonds of friendship with those who we shared our lives with for so many years in Joplin and Wichita. And there is a little of that missing them personally, but it is not just those friendships that I miss. I miss the connectedness to the body of Christ.
It is not for lack of trying that I have this void. We have tried to fit into several churches since coming to Ohio. And the people at those churches are loved by and lovers of God. There wasn't really anything "wrong" with those churches.
Still there was something I couldn't put my finger on that was just not working. I felt like I was walking on a bed of Legos at two am in my bare feet. I felt like a cat in a bathtub. I felt misshapen and out of sorts. Like a puzzle piece that doesn't fit... because it doesn't go to that puzzle. And I couldn't put my finger on why I felt this way. I mean besides the fact that I am not like other people.
A minister friend of mine told me recently that there is a place for every believer in the body of Christ. And while I did agree with her... there was a part of me that said, "everyone but me".   
Jason said to me on Friday night, "If you want to go to a Vineyard Church let's find one". Last night he looked up the nearest Vineyard Church and printed out directions... for Me. Because I need this. Because I need something different than what we have been doing. He did this because he loves me. He did this because he knows how much living here has been a struggle for me. Though I doubt either of us could put into words exactly why, though I have tried here.
We went to the second service @ Vineyard Church Cleveland this morning. After the service Jason asked each of the kids what they thought of the service.           
~Josiah said that he felt very welcomed in the service and that it was comfortable, that it was the best service he's been to. That is saying a lot coming from my most skeptical child.
~Micah liked the fireplace, the music and the relaxed atmosphere. Even though the music was a bit loud (for his sensitive ears) he didn't cover his ears and even sang along.
~Zechariah said that he felt the same way Josiah felt, that it was comfortable and he liked the preaching.
~Selah said she really liked the music and preaching. She said she liked the preachers stories and that she liked Miki. Miki is a very nice woman who sat beside me after the service began. 
~Jason said that David was preaching to him. At the end of the service Jason didn't feel comfortable going up to the altar for prayer but the lady beside me, Miki, asked if she could pray for him. Heart felt compassion from a perfect stranger isn't something that we are really used to these days.  It is amazing how God can use His sons and daughters. It has been a long time since I have seen Jason cry in the presence of God. Jason also said that it was refreshing.
For me... today was an answer to what Jason and I  have been discussing over the last nine months or so. An answer to these "something missing" feelings that I have been feeling for so long. I know it may seem odd having spent such a short time in this community and yet feeling such a sudden and profound connection to it.
I am such an odd duck, that I have always felt this square peg/round hole dynamic in just about every fellowship I've ever attended, even when I have been in the midst of beloved friends I have felt that uniqueness of me (and often not in a good way). This is not fault of those faith communities... just me being different.
Today I felt more then comfortable standing in this church being me... I didn't feel like I had to do, or say or be any certain way, just be me and that it was okay. No one told me this. No one came up and said, you can just be you here. No one came up to me and said, "Hey, I accept you just the way you are." And yet I felt accepted. I felt welcomed.
Jason said, it was like God was saying, "Welcome, I'm glad your here what took you so long?" That is exactly how it felt.
The worship was powerful. It was more then just music. We only knew one song (Jason knew two) and yet I felt this peace and rest. While I'm sure that Ben, the worship leader, had prepared, it felt effortless as he just worshiped God and expected everyone to come along.
It wasn't just that I felt welcomed and comfortable, I felt at home, something I haven't felt in a very long time. We will be going again next week.
I don't know if this is the start of something new. I don't know if God is leading us to this place, but I feel more optimistic about being a part of the body of Christ then I have in many years. That just maybe there really is a place in the body of Christ for a dysfunctional, wrong side of the tracks girl who just wants to love Jesus and others in her own unique way.

Need to Worship

We spend our days seeking to fulfill our purpose, our goals. We spend our nights concerned about the things left undone and things yet to come. But what we really need is time set aside to build up our faith, to deepen our relationship with God. I thought you might like a peek into my time of worship...

Dry Bones

That's what the evangelist spoke on today. His text Ezekiel 37:1-10. He implored us to speak to our own valley of dried bones.

I had a vision once... before I was saved... a vision of a valley filled with dry bones. I'm sure I'd not heard this passage preached. Yes, I went to church, but didn't know God. Anyway, to the vision...

I was standing dressed in armor, a child's armor, flimsy and plastic. I was holding a toilet paper roll sward in my right hand. There was darkness all around me, except for these thousands upon thousands of dry bones... human bones. I was standing waist high in them. And I had the strangest sensation that I would be swallowed by them if I did not make an escape. But there was no escape.

And of course, why not, there is no escape from death without Christ
and His shed blood. A concept which I had been told, but could not quite comprehend.

I saw words coming from my mouth, dropping down like honey onto the bones around me. I could not hear the words which I spoke, but they were powerful words. For as they reached the bones they would grow flesh, join together, creating a form of man, but not a man. And then a great wind came, it knocked me off my feet. It seemed to come from nowhere and everywhere at once. And then these men and women were just that, living breathing people. They lifted me from the bones, for there were still many and carried me up and away from the valley. All the while I continued to speak not knowing my own words.

And Then I was both in this valley and in the church at the same time (I was actually in a revival meeting). The church was my valley of dry bones.

Not then... but some time later I came to have a true and lasting relationship with Jesus Christ. He was no longer my "required" atonement sacrifice. As I had seen Him to be. He was the grace giving God of the ages. Who in His infinite wisdom knew that I needed Him to open my broken heart so that I could fully understand his "offertory" atonement. That He gave His son freely for me, not out of duty, but of love.

So today as the minister spoke I found myself again brought into that valley of dry bones. Except that this time I held in my right had the Word of God and and in my left a quilt to wrap the wounded in. And the words I speak, I hear, it is the word of truth.